Follow Your Dreams


Noted Manchester noise polluters, Follow Your Dreams, are releasing an entire album of their unnecessary and irritating ‘music’. Users of digital streaming services, such as Spotify, should be aware and take preventative measures in case of exposure through rogue playlists. We have it on good authority that the album, inexplicably titled The Half-Life of Teaspoons, contains more of the awkward, shouty, confusing hardcore punk that we’ve warned readers about before. One industry insider who had got his hands on a preview commented:

“This is ten tracks of lunacy, and exactly what we’ve come to expect from a generation of ADHD Antifa snowflakes. The first track, Maggots, sneakily implies the rise of good, honest patriots willing to defend British Values is like a zombie plague! There’s a song (Pushing Buttons) that blatantly espouses Marxist extremist views against going to work – uh, communism didn’t work, guys – one (Fake Fake Fur) about something called a simulacrum (???) and a bunch of other feminist and anti-capitalist nonsense that you’d expect from the female-fronted genre. The music’s no better: the band clearly don’t understand the structure of music, sometimes there’s no identifiable verse/chorus, many of the bits or “bars” have too many or too few beats in. No-one would be able to dance to this, and no-one except the most pretentious, depraved SJWs would find this enjoyable. It should be banned, really.”

This unnecessarily fast cacophony of guitar pedals and aggressive drums, all with vocals shouted so you can’t hear what they’re saying, is obviously influenced by other deviant genres such as “mathcore” and “technical hardcore” and even Jazz. Honestly, it’s all so pretentious, pseudo-intellectual and self-consciously “progressive” that no one should ever listen to it.

This message was paid for by the Campaign To Keep Punk Like It Was Between 1977 and 1982 and Mothers Against Music That Isn’t Like What That Lovely Michael Bublé Does.